Dude advice from Karen O as imagined by me, Arianna Stern, semiprofessional narcissist
LIGHTS UP on KAREN O backstage with ME, sitting on opposite ends of a coffee table. On top of the table rest bowls with jellybeans and popcorn and a box of Thin Mints.
I make a frowny face out of the jellybeans and point at it. Karen knows just where to begin.
KAREN O: He sounds like he doesn’t know how to act when he likes somebody. Maybe he did want to be in a relationship at one point but didn’t want to work. I can’t tell what he’s thinking. Why do you want this guy, anyway?
ME: For one thing, we had so much to talk to about. He said I was interesting.
KAREN O: I dated dudes who said I was interesting.
Karen O raises her eyebrows and shoves popcorn in her face defiantly.
KAREN O: Don’t you think I dated dudes in bands before the Yeah Yeah Yeahs got big?
ME: I don’t know.
KAREN O: They were so enamored of their imagined status, they treated me like I wasn’t very important. But the Yeah Yeah Yeahs got famous, and they didn’t. We’re lucky we get to be women. Nobody’s impressed by our moderate successes.
My MOM ENTERS. Karen and I look at her incredulously.
MOM: Hi sweetheart, did you mail your rent check yet?
ME: Mom, how did you get into this fantasy? I didn’t invite you!
MOM: Sorry, sorry, but it’s very important. You can get fined.
ME: I sent it already.
MOM: You could even get evicted.
ME: I sent it, mom!
MOM: Okay, just making sure. Nice to meet you, Karen. That’s an interesting outfit.
KAREN O: Thank you.
My mom EXITS.
KAREN O: Be wary of guys who want you to be their cheerleader. Be suspicious of smart guys who want to date women just smart enough to validate their ideas, but no smarter. You need to be with someone who cheers for you, too. You’re a talented writer. I would even read this blog post if I wasn’t being fictionalized within it.
ME: Thank you so much! You’re so wise; you should meet my cousin Marnie.
KAREN O: In due time. Do you want to go to a bar with me in this rheinstone-encrusted jacket I made you?
ME: Do I ever!
“Zero” plays. FADE OUT.
